6 days until Christmas. This is when things get really fun at our house. Complete and total chaos, highly concentrated into one small address!

This morning I am grateful for my Mother. At the time of year when the world shows their collective ass- knocking each other over in the stores, honking and screaming at each other on the freeways, and comparing the size of their credit card bills to see who loves their kids the most- I am so grateful for the values and traditions that my Mother instilled in all of her children throughout the years.

Christmas has always been important to my family. On December 1rst the Nativity goes up alone. On the 15th, the tree would go up and Christmas activities would commence. We opened our advent calendar each day, we made cookies and cakes, we strung popcorn and cranberries and whatever else we could think of. We spent hours discussing our loved ones and what they would like or want, and then we spent hours making or finding the perfect gifts that would say "this is only for you!" We sang songs and laughed until we hurt. Christmas means joy in our family.

So now when I see the masses scrambling by me, cursing those "loved ones" that they are trying to shop for, screaming "get out of my way" instead of "Merry Christmas," I have to say thanks Mom... for giving me something deeper to hold onto. For giving me some kind of anchor to keep me from blowing away in the winds of bullshit! Thanks Mom, for teaching me the really important parts of life instead of focusing on the surface of things.

I've been browsing a few online advent calendars, and my son found this one for me.

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It's going to be a redneck Christmas... maybe he thought I was missing Arkansas!

I spent HOURS upon HOURS painting the coolest pic last night. When it was all done, my intention was to cover it in a very light coating of pearl white, to give it an ethereal glowing look. The pearl was a bit too thick, and though the pic came out pretty good... it's not what I wanted it to be, and now I have to repaint all the color on TOP of the pearl... basically starting over! I just want to bang my head repeatedly against the brick wall along our front porch!!!

So I guess that's what I'll be doing today... that among 5000 other things I have to accomplish. Where are the 78 hour days when I need them???

Today I am as proud as I can possibly be... not for one of my actual children, but for the 50 year old man I've adopted as one of my "kids."

Jim is one of the lot guys at work- a lot guy does things like sweep up the lot, pump propane, work on the car wash, and other general maintenance type things. Jim is an interesting man, he's seen and done a LOT in his lifetime, but he is prone to drinking binges and serious depression. We've been working together for over a year and have become good friends- my family are just about the only people Jim will connect with and trust in. Our daily conversations have been a sort of therapy for him.

There is a regular customer of ours that Jim has a serious thing for. They've half-flirted for a long while now... he even gave her a rose once. The problem is that she is absolutely beautiful, which truly intimidates Jim, even though it is obvious that she likes him too. Jim has been working on gaining the courage to ask this woman out for several months now, and his opportunity finally arose yesterday.

Jim had found the perfect Christmas gift for this lady, and we wrapped it in beautiful packaging with all the bells and whistles. Yesterday morning Jim showed up to work with the gift, and another beautiful rose, and we just waited all day. Right before I ended shift, she showed up. Poor Jim looked like he was going to throw up! He took his offerings out the pump where she was gassing up, and it was all I could do not to run out there with him just to hear what was going on! I missed a lot of their exchange due to customers, but it went well.

She loved the gifts- he even got two giant hugs out of it. The important thing is that he swallowed his fear and asked her out! And she said YES!!! This is a HUGE milestone for Jim... he took his first step out of his depression and defeat, and laid the very first stones down in his path to recovery. He is trying to connect with the world around him once again.

Yesterday gave Jim hope. Even if things do not work out with this woman, he's seen firsthand that if you open up to others, they will respond to you. He's seen that he CAN connect with others, he doesn't HAVE to sit home alone and isolated. I couldn't be prouder of him!!

There are boxes lining every wall of the living room and the studio, an artificial tree in pieces all over my kitchen, and the front porch is piled high with various holiday delights. Help me!

It's better than yesterday... yesterday everything was just piled high all over. It was an obstacle course everywhere you went. It was messy and difficult, and I was not a happy camper yesterday. But things are better this morning, and I may be ready to tackle decorations again soon... maybe... I'll make a final decision after a another cup of coffee and perhaps a donut. We'll see.

My attitude is much better today than it has been. Could be the chinese dinner we treated ourselves to last night, but I'd like to think it's all the hard work I've been doing on myself lately! Either way, today feels like a wonderful gift. I've started keeping track of what days I have... wonderful gifts or practical jokes. My goal is to will each one into a gift right off the bat each morning... to bypass my bipolarness -- I'm not sure that's a real word but let's go with it, it works.-- in a sense.

Life is not perfect, and it will not get any easier (unless you're someone like Donald Trump or Anna Nicole or the guy who created South Park). We create our surroundings by creating our version of what we see around us. Hardship... yes, work... yuck, bills... just what I needed, sibling rivalry... terrific! These things are here each day waiting for me -- they do not change, they are ever-present, ever-patient. The decision of change lies within me: who is going to show up to face these things? Will I show up to get through what's necessary so I can do what I love? Or will I show up already defeated and depressed before I've even begun? Each morning I have to decide which coat to put on.

All I know is that today, I changed my frame of mind and made my own day. Today is all that counts.

I work for a service & gas station. We were a BP/Amoco for a very long time. The last FOUR months we've had up signs that say "Conoco Coming Soon." Absolutely everyone has asked (repeatedly) when we're becoming a Conoco... the reply has ALWAYS been a constistant "November 29."

So on November 29, we became a Conoco. We used to be entirely green and yellow, now everything is red and white. Everywhere (and I mean everywhere) you look it says Conoco. The entire place is different, and yet...

On November 30, 17 people came in to yell at me because their BP credit cards would not work on our Conoco pumps. When I pointed out why they wouldn't work, the standard answer was, "Oh, well when did this happen?" These were NOT strangers who had not seen the signs up for FOUR months... they were regulars who not only saw the signs day in and day out, but many of them had asked about the changes themselves!

On December 1, 28 people did the same thing... two of them had been there the day before and did it AGAIN! On December 2, a total of 43 people didn't realize we had changed at all until they came in to complain!

Now tell me... how do you pull into a station that was always green and yellow and is now BRIGHT RED and white... says Conoco on absolutely EVERY surface... and NOT notice any change???

Are we all that unaware of life going on around us? Are we all that totally caught up in our own little bubble worlds that we don't even look around? We need to open our eyes a little wider, see a little deeper, and REALLY pay attention to things in our line of vision. If we miss something like an entire business changing hands right in front of us.... just imagine what else we might be missing. What important things does the universe have for us to pay attention to that we're totally oblivious to? It's time to WAKE UP!!!

When I was a little girl, my mother would buy me an advent calendar each holiday season. It was just a cardboard box with a tiny piece of crappy chocolate for each day counting down to Christmas Eve. Each year, I looked forward to getting that calendar more than anything else. I quit getting them sometime in my teens, and I quit seeing them in the stores.

This year while I was browsing through Walgreens, I saw them. I snatched them up and ran home with them with the biggest smile on my face. The kids looked at me like I was crazy, but I told them the story of grandma getting me a calendar every year and what that meant to me. Today the kids opened the first door on their calendar. The chocolate sucked. But the kids lit up as they ate it... already looking forward to tomorrow's crappy piece... and Christmas twinkled in their eyes.

There must be something very powerful behind our family traditions. Years upon years of honoring the same things over and over must feed it.. give it life... bring it into being. What powerful magick right under all of our noses!

This is only the beginning. December has just started, and my family is brimming over with traditions! Let the magick begin!!!

I'm entering a small, winding path along my journey. It seems that I'm required to take a deep look within, and examine the beliefs and fears that are embedded in the core of my personality. Just days into it, it's crystal clear that my "core" beliefs are at odds with my spiritual truths and goals. I've found a "cosmic" connection between physical and spiritual once again, and it appears that I've developed a sort of "spiritual ocd." My baggage, habits, and untruths that I've accepted as truth are at war with the REAL truths that I've claimed as my own.

In my church days, I was told that our sinful nature wars continously with our righteous nature. They were more right than I believed they were. We are dual beings- light and dark, love and fear... I [spirit self] set a goal for myself, I [person self] immediately start offering reasons to not reach it. They say the body is a temple (Lord forgive me, I'm cleaning it.. I'm cleaning it!) but does that not include the personality and soul that reside within it? If nasty thugs are hanging out in my temple, won't it inevitably end up covered in graffiti? It is becoming clear to me that what's in the temple is more important than what the temple looks like at the moment. Yes, we need to clean it up, fix up the bits and pieces, and take a little more pride in God's house, but there's no way that's ever going to happen if the thugs are still in control. You can't get past them, you have to get rid of them.

So how do I do this? I have to recognize when it's happening, see it as it's developing, and stop it in its tracks. Tall order. Frankly, the whole thing scares the hell out of me! I've kicked many thugs out of my temple throughout my lifetime, and I guess I've just ignored that there were some hiding here and there. I just let them hide. Out of sight, out of mind. But what I'm realizing now is that by ignoring them, I never really had control of my life- that was the illusion that I accepted, but it was never truth. I had no intention of throwing this hidden army out, because I had no intention of bringing the things they hid behind to light. These are clever thugs. They hide behind my worst fears, most humiliating moments, most shameful secrets. They hide in the shadows of my lies to myself.

So I guess the next piece of the road will have me bringing those things out of shadow and into the light. Not a pretty thing- I'm not looking forward to this. My first reaction, and thus the title, is Why Me, God? Why do I have to relive these things? That's why they're buried to begin with! But I believe it's true that this Earth is a school, and that I chose to be here to heal what's broken within me. So if I chose to be here, in this life with these challenges, than it's me who is responsible for what happens to me, not God. So Why Me? isn't something I need to ask God, but something I need to ask myself. Blame has to be completely stripped away until all that's left is the path before me, dark and twisted as it may be at this point. All that's left is my choice to either go down the path, or turn around and go back. I can't go back, it's too late for that now. so...

May God hold my hand, my divine Mother and Father, as I enter the ugly road of regret and shame. Keep me aware of your presence within me as the things I never wanted to see again begin to appear. Give me the courage and the wisdom to see them as lessons to be learned, and to take from them only that which lends to my completeness. Wipe my tears as when I cry, and help me to remember that it's ok to do so. Help me, God, to quit blaming you and to face the path I came down, so that I can better walk the path before me. So be it.

These are a few books that I always find myself returning to and re-reading for guidance and comfort, and sometimes just to validate my own feelings and theories. I encourage seekers to read them, in no particular order, and to take from each what you need to feed yourself.

Yesterday, I Cried (Iyanla Vanzant)

Seat of the Soul (Gary Zukav)

The Dancing Wu Li Masters (Gary Zukav)

The Impersonal Life (published by C.A. Willing)

The Celestine Vision (James Redmond)

Deepening Witchcraft (Grey Cat)

Book of Shadows (Phyllis Currot)

I also recommend (am I spelling that right.. it looks wrong!) visiting Grey Cat's blog and I HIGHLY suggest watching the move "What the Bleep Do We Know?" Excellent... mind boggling... but excellent!

This year, for the very first time since I have had children, I do not have to deal with dress-up and trick-or-treat! The kids are finally old enough to want to do their own thing!! HOORAY!

This year I can actually focus on honoring Deity, remembering loved ones who have passed on, and looking forward to a new, and hopefully better, year. I look forward to quiet time for reflection and divination under the dark moon of Samhain. I look forward to being able to honor myself and my connections to the holiday.

But... you do have to honor the fun of Halloween... and we're going to do this tonight by stuffing ourselves with popcorn and screaming our way through several classic horror films. Now that's the way to celebrate Halloween!

Deity works in mysterious ways.... and that's no understatement! I finally take the leap of faith off of the cliff and into the Goddess' arms... and then nothing. Not one epiphany, not an inspiration, absolute silence. So I've been playing the waiting game, wondering what's in store for me, waiting to hear a still, small voice.

Then She speaks, and I'm suddenly wishing for the wait again. She asks for more. More devotion, more service... more of exactly what I'm not sure, but she's demanding it, and I've got to find out what it is she wants. I have come very far down my path, but there is still farther to go before I'm ready to try and lead anyone else. I've got so much baggage still hanging on... funny how you have no idea how heavy your burdens are until you start putting them down. So I guess we're going to work on me some more. Choosing to consciously live in the light has it's down side- you're ALWAYS in the light... you're ALWAYS seeing what's wrong, and once you fix that, you see something else wrong... and the process seems to never end.

So today I ask Goddess for bravery and courage to face those parts of me that have never ventured out into the light. I ask for the wisdom to choose what to keep and what to discard, and the strength to discard those things my lower self desperately wants to cling to.

Let Go and Let God. (my mantra for today)

We have family visiting with us right now (yet another reason I'm not blogging), and we took a tour of the Brown Palace the other day. The Brown Palace is a historical hotel here in Denver, and we toured the hotel and listened to all of the ghost stories that went along with the hotel. Did we see any ghosts? Not exactly... but we had some interesting experiences.

When you first walk in the hotel lobby, you immediately feel the typical heaviness that goes along with any haunted place. We saw many shadows and heard a few strange noises, but no apparitions. One of the famous ghosts haunts room 531. On our way back down from the 9th floor, the elevator stopped and opened on the 5th floor. The only floor pushed was "lobby," and nobody requested the 5th floor. Yet the door opened... room 531 was two doors away from the elevator. The tour guide allowed us to return to the 5th floor after the tour, and we spent some time around 531. Rose took some pics... we'll see what developes.

The other experience I had at the hotel was not really ghost related, and very personal to me only. I can't really even explain what happened and make you understand... it happened so quickly I had to question whether it happened at all. At one point in the beginning of the tour, we went down a little hallway, up a few steps, and into a little sitting room just off the lobby. You can hear piano music playing in the lobby, the historical ambience all around you... and as I walked down that hall and up those steps into the lounge area, for one split second I was not Bethany in this time touring this hotel... I was someone else entering the lounge to meet someone, and I was late. I knew someone would be sitting on the couch waiting to meet me, and I knew he was irritated because I was running late. I knew it, felt it, and was anxious that he wouldn't be upset... all in just one instant. As my foot stepped down into the lounge, the sensation went away, and it was just me taking the tour again.

Interesting, interesting.. but what did it mean? Past life experience? Picking up on residual memory? I really couldn't tell you, but it was an amazing moment. I'm just glad I was able to glimpse it.